Very Very Poor Jokes

Question: An elephant was in love with a she-elephant.
But the she-elephant went and got married to some
other elephant. So our elephant was very Depressed.
One of his friends felt sorry for him, and took him to
a park to cheer him up. In the park, they sat on a
see-saw, but the see-saw broke. Now, which song would
our hero sing?
Ans: "See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai."

Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love
with each other and want to get married, but cannot.
Why?
Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is
illegal.

Question: One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day for
all his bad deeds. He felt that he should go an
apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused.
So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram
opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan
standing there. Ravan just kept staring and thinking
but didn't say a word. What was he thinking?
Ans: "Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?"

Question: How do you "cut" roads?
Ans: By laughing.... because "Haste haste cut jaye
raaste".

Question: Luv and Kush are going to a village and pass
by a well. Luv falls into the well. Why?
Ans: Because Luv is blind.

Question: Now, Kush also jumps in. Why?
Ans: Because Luv ke liye saala Kush bhi karega!

Question: Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya
hai? Ans: D'Cold; Because.... Chan ki saans - D'Cold
Question: Chalo ab batao, Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam
kya hai? ...........
Ans: D'Cold again... Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi

A railway station beggar meets another beggar.A
software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question?
"So, which platform are you working on?"

Question: What do you call a person who is leaving
India?
Ans: Hindustan Lever

Question: What do you call a person who leaves India,
but doesn't travel much?
Ans: Hindustan Lever Limited.

Question: Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha. Uska
naam kya tha?
Ans: Adidas.

Question: Prasad asks Kumble to bring a Pepsi. Kumble
brings a bottle, but takes it directly to Tendulkar.
Why?
Ans: Because Tendulkar is an opener.

Question: What is the similarity between Satynarayan
pooja and the Indian cricket team?
Ans: Dono ke ant me "Prasad" aataa hai.

Question: Who is Joe?
Ans: Kambakth ishq.. Because "Kambakth ishq hai Joe!"

Question: The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie
"my heart is an umbrella'. Which movie did he really
want to see?
Ans: Dil Chhaata Hai.

Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) :
Phulwa,RaamPyaari, RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri
were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden, Phulwa started to
sing a song. the moment Phulwa stopped singing the song,
RaamPyaari,RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri fell down
from the wall !!!...
WHY ???
coz, they all started clapping !!!!

Ek Aur
PJ Isse kehte hain........

Gattu ek lecture attend karta hai. lecture ke baad use bhookh lagti
hai. so he goes to the canteen. canteen mein gattu ek pav leta hai.
jaise hi woh pav khane ke liye uthata hai to dekhta hai ki uski plate
mein "jannat" likha hai.
To janaab ab aapko yeh batana hai ki gattu jiska
lecture attend karke aa raha hai, us proffessor ka
naam kya hai???
guess
The answer is
Ishq Ki Chhaon.
Jinke "Sir" ho "Ishq ki Chhaon"
"Pav" ke neeche "Jannat" hogi....
Don't scratch ur head this is a song from film "Dil
Se"

What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?
..and the Answer is..........
HASINA !

PS: hottest pie in the town
This one will make u mad.........

Once all the scientists die and go to
heaven...........
They decide to play hide-n-seek......... Unfortunately Einstein is
the one who has the den........... He is supposed to count
upto 100...and
then start searching..... Everyone starts hiding
except
Newton.........Newton just draws a square of 1 meter
and stands in it right
in front of Einstein............ Einsteins
counting......97,98,99.....100........
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in
front........
Einstein says "newtons out..newtons....out....."
Newton denies and says i am not out........ He claims
tht he is not Newton...... All the scientists come out
and he proves tht he is not newton..........
how..................
His proof:
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square.....
That means i am Newton per meter square......
Hence i am Pascal....since newton per meter square = Pascal

Disorder in court

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Pride of National Institute of Technology

Yeh hai Mr. B.Tech kumar,
Engineer banne ka tha inko bukhar,

Gaye the lene IIT mein admission,
Par mila inhe NIT ka tension,
Saal bhar canteen mein chaat khaya,
Aur koi bhi lecture inhone na lagaya,
Fir ek din jab placement ka samay aaya,
Kuch nahi aata tha fir bhi acchha result paaya,
Aaj bhi pakde hain Umeed ki dori,
Don't loose hope is the moral of the story,
Jisne inse seekha life mein kabhi bhi na jhukna,
NIT mein milega bhaiyaa, IIT se dugna......

My Request for stationery

Ramchandra PAI/ITS GLT/HSDI/HSBC
ITS GLT/HSDI
12/05/2005 12:39 PM
Phone No. 91 20 56037044
Mail Size: 12780
To
Venkatasubramanian BALASUBRAMANIAN/ITD GLT/HSDI/HSBC@HSBC
cc

Subject
Re: Failure of Stationery request through intranet
Our Ref

Your Ref




Hi,
We are presently facing some database level constraints in accommodating the employee names with character length greater than 25.
As this would require some changes at the database design level,it would take some more time form our side.
We shall update you once the issue is resolved.
Regret for the inconvenience caused.
Regards,
Ram.




Venkatasubramanian BALASUBRAMANIAN/ITD GLT/HSDI/HSBC
ITD GLT/HSDI
05/12/2005 12:31
Phone No. 91 20 26683000
Mail Size: 10403
To
Ramchandra PAI/ITS GLT/HSDI/HSBC@HSBC
cc

Subject
Failure of Stationery request through intranet
Our Ref

Your Ref




Hi
When I try to logon to "request for stationery", the following error message appears.
Kindly look into the matter.
[ServletException in:/tiles/common/header.jsp] /tiles/common/header.jsp'
[ServletException in:/tiles/simpleMenu.jsp] /tiles/simpleMenu.jsp' [ServletException in:] Response already committed.' [ServletException in:/tiles/common/footer.jsp] /tiles/common/footer.jsp'

Regards,
Venkat


----- Forwarded by Venkatasubramanian BALASUBRAMANIAN/ITD GLT/HSDI/HSBC on 12/05/2005 12:27 PM -----
Nitin R PAWAR/ITS GLT/HSDI/HSBC
ITS GLT/HSDI
12/01/2005 10:02 AM
Phone No. 91 20 56046010
Mail Size: 5936
To
Ramchandra PAI/ITS GLT/HSDI/HSBC@HSBC
cc
Venkatasubramanian BALASUBRAMANIAN/ITD GLT/HSDI/HSBC@HSBC
Subject

Our Ref

Your Ref




Hi,
Please look into this...

Regards,
Nitin.
----- Forwarded by Nitin R PAWAR/ITS GLT/HSDI/HSBC on 12/01/2005 10:00 AM -----
Venkatasubramanian BALASUBRAMANIAN/ITD GLT/HSDI/HSBC
ITD GLT/HSDI
12/01/2005 09:56 AM
Phone No. 91 20 26683000
Mail Size: 2004
To
Nitin R PAWAR/ITS GLT/HSDI/HSBC@HSBC
cc

Subject

Our Ref

Your Ref




Hi,

My Request for Stationery through the intranet is not presently active,
Kindly activate it,
Thank you,

Venkat

We Honorable Men

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man
& If u r a Guy..well..here's an "EGO-BOOSTER"...:):):)
here goes . . . .

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Isthis your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would! have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for the good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"

IAS Punch Dialogues

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
(UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple?
A: The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid (UPSC 33Rank)

Q: what is the opposite of Nag panchmi?
A: Nag did not punch me

Whacky Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's
there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Dont worry that the world ends today, its already
tomorrow in Australia!
So, Keep Smiling!!!